Okay, Here's The Info....

Okay, this is kinda lengthy, so if you'd rather not read it I'd understand...

I have been thinking through how to post this topic for some time now, but I just haven't had time to type it all out. I have mentioned a couple times that we have made some disciplining changes around the Miles household. To explain why the changes have been made I need to let you in on some family secrets...okay, are you ready? Our oldest, Julie, for the most part is well behaved in public, but at home we were dealing with a different side. Strong-willed, determined, demanding, and out-of-control. Okay, I don't like discussing her in a negative light, but I am being truthful. Dave & I have always believed in consistency, and felt that was the one of the keys to good parenting...and we still believe this is true, but we had to admit to ourselves that what we were doing was just not working with her. She is very sweet and loving, and the next minute she's raging out of control, screaming and hitting (mostly me). Some of you might be reading this and thinking, well, what that child needs is a good swat....believe me, that child has received some good swats (remember, I'm just being honest here), and the rage only intensified.
We are not naive parents, and we knew that if we could not get a handle on this behavior now, we were fearful of what we would be facing down the road...not to mention that it is a dangerous place for a child to be when they're not obeying their mother & father. "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right!"
Okay, so now that you have an idea of what the problem was, let me tell you what led us to this new direction. Let me clarify, by "new direction" I'm not talking about going against God's Word and His plan for children and parents, I'm talking about changing our approach with Julie.
About four weeks ago my parents were visiting with us and helping us celebrate Alayna's 2nd birthday. Over the course of their visit Julie showed her more difficult side, and when asked to help with minor things she refused and was disobedient. To say the least, it was embarassing. The first evening, after my parents returned home, Dave had to be away for something, so I was taking care of the 3 kids. I am mentioning all this, because this was my breaking point. Julie started in on one of her rages, and I was having a very difficult time getting control of her....plus, her screaming was scaring Joel & Alayna, which only made things worse. In the middle of all this my dad called me to let me know they arrived home safely. I tried to contain it, but I burst in to tears on the phone. He asked me if he could talk to Julie on the phone and I said sure. He had a chat with Julie and she did calm down and became more controlled. Afterwards I talked with my dad and he mentioned this book he's heard so much about. I had heard of it, too, but the idea of the title seemed absurd to me. But, at this point I was willing to try anything. Dave & I agreed we needed to get a copy of it, so he bought it the next day. Let me tell you, I devoured it!
This is the book...and many of you may be familiar with it already.

Dr. Kevin Leman's approach is very no-nonsense. His whole message is to let reality be the consequence. If you want to be lazy and not do school work, fine, you get to take the F, I'm not helping. If you want to be difficult at the dinner table and not eat, well then so be it, but after you get up the kitchen is closed, and there's nothing more to eat. Believe me, this all made so much sense, and in a way seemed obvious. But, when you've been battling a child and doing what you thought was right and it's still not working, you feel overwhelmed and confused.
His main theme is "Say it once, turn your back & walk away." He says that repeating what you've said to the child over and over is like saying "You're so stupid, I don't think you're capable of handling this." BINGO! I learned that I am that mother. Because Julie can be so pokey I tend to hover and repeat myself. Well, once Dave & I stepped up and used this approach and she had to reap the consequences a few times, she learned pretty quick.
Example 1: I had asked her to make her bed before Sunday School. Well, she didn't do it. I only asked her once, and never mentioned it again. After she went downstairs for Sunday school, (our church's children Sunday school is in our basement...the parsonage) I made the bed. But, instead of lecturing her about it later I gathered up all the stuffed animals she likes to sleep with and her favorite blanket, and I displayed them on Dave & my bed. When we got home from church and it was time for her rest she wanted those things. Well, guess what, they belonged to me that day. I made her bed, so I rewarded myself by displaying those items on my bed. Believe me, this was not making her happy...but when she saw I didn't back down, and didn't engage her in any argument, she got the message.
Example 2: After a family shopping outing she became angry on the way home and took her shoes off and threw them in the van. Well, instead of yelling at her and making her apologize...or spanking her for her behavior, when we got home Dave gathered up her shoes and told her that since she decided to throw her shoes she'd have to walk in to the house without them. Once again, she was not happy since we have a dirt driveway. She fussed and got mad, but we didn't back down and she did it. (I had dirty white socks to wash, but that didn't matter)
Once she is calm and has gotten the message we use those as teaching moments. So, it's been about 4 weeks now and I'll just say it's like we have a new child! I love this child dearly, and it was breaking my heart that we were having so much trouble with her, and now I'm so encouraged that we are finally getting through. She is not perfect, but no one is. However, she is no longer having screaming tirades, she is not hitting me, and she's doing as she's asked. She is seeking attention in positive ways now (the screaming fits were ways to get attention...we knew that, but didn't know how to handle them), she offers to help me with things, and she is teaching her sister how to help....without me having to ask.
We are also using this approach with Alayna. Say it once, turn your back and walk away. If they want to scream, so what...if you don't acknowledge it they eventually get the message. My problem was that I thought I needed to acknowledge the screaming with discipline and not allow her to get away with it. Once I started ignoring it and acting as if I didn't even know it was happening (which made Julie VERY mad at first...and Alayna, too), it eventually stopped. If Alayna asks for a snack, and it's not time, I say no and walk away. She might get mad, but she stops because I'm ignoring her.
I had to recognize some things about myself. I was a permissive parent AND I was an authoritarian type parent. On one hand I would try to keep peace at any cost to avoid an outburst, on the other hand when an outburst would happen I would take on the mentality of "so help me child, you will obey me and I will win!" She would hit and I'd chase after her, "Oh no you didn't!!!" The hitting is never to be tolerated, and we don't ignore that behavior, but now that we've changed our approach it's not much of an issue any longer.
The problem was we were engaging her in too much dialogue...too many explanations as to why what she did was wrong, and why she needs to obey, and why she shouldn't do that again, and why it wasn't kind and loving, etc., etc., spank, spank, spank! Now, if we have to use spanking, then we do it, tell her why, and that's the end of it. No room for arguing and screaming. If she screams then we walk away until she's ready to listen and apologize...and REALLY apologize.
I've had some fun with this, too. For example, one day Julie was having a fit in the living room and not obeying, I told her to go to her room, but she yelled to me, "you go to your room." Instead of getting mad I just said "that's a great idea, I think I will, come on Joel & Alayna let's go have fun in mommy's room." She immediately stopped yelling and said "I want to have fun in your room, too." I said, "Oh, well then I guess you better do as I asked and apologize to me, so we can all start having fun." Believe me, she got the message loud & clear...and I wasn't beside myself with stress trying to get control of her and WIN!
Now she is recognizing on her own when she has done something wrong and needs to apologize for it, and she comes to us herself. Tonight while I was getting the kids ready for bed she got a very sassy tone with me. I just looked at her, but didn't say a word. She immediately said "I'm sorry mom, I was being sassy." Can I just tell you, that may sound simple, but in this house that is MAJOR!!
Alayna is only two, so we don't expect her to understand the things Julie does, but she is learning that whining is not tolerated and I won't listen to it.
Are we now perfect parents, ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! But, I can tell you honestly that I'm a much happier mom, and less stressed.

Sorry that this was so lengthy, I hope you weren't bored to tears...I just had to share what's been on my heart, and how encouraged I am to be living in a more peaceful home.